Unlearning masculinity is lonely

The History of the Wall

I spend my workdays teaching teenagers about empires, wars, and the men who led them. If you look at history through a certain lens, masculinity looks like a series of conquests. It is a long timeline of who held the most land or who won the loudest argument.

Growing up, my own personal history followed a similar script. My dad did not give me a map for my feelings; he gave me a handbook for suppression. If you were hurt, you swallowed it. If you were sad, you went for a run until your lungs burned. I was taught that a man is a rock. The problem with being a rock is that rocks do not grow, they only erode.

The Vocabulary of Dominance

What does being a man mean anyway?

For a long time, I thought being a man meant being the most certain person in the room. I thought it meant taking up space and never admitting to a mistake. We are taught that our value lies in our ability to dominate our surroundings.

But here is what I have realized: dominance is a terrible substitute for connection.

When we rely on dominance, we lose the ability to actually speak to the people we love. We lack the emotional language to say, I am scared or I feel overwhelmed. Instead, we get angry. Anger is the only emotion society consistently gives men a pass for, so we use it as a Swiss Army knife for every problem. It is exhausting.

The Loneliness of the Rewrite

Unlearning this stuff is not some grand, cinematic transformation. Most of the time, it is just lonely. When you decide to stop playing the game of being the toughest guy in the group, some of your friends will not know what to do with you.

I have sat at bars with guys I have known for a decade and realized we have never actually said anything real to each other. When I try to bring up something deeper, the silence that follows can be deafening. It is a specific kind of isolation that comes when you decide to change the rules of the game while everyone else is still playing by the old ones.

Redefining the Strong Man

I am trying to build a new model of strength. It is a version of masculinity that is not about power over others, but power over oneself.

1. Vulnerability is a skill. It requires more courage to be honest about your fears than it does to hide behind a mask of indifference.
2. Empathy is a strength. Understanding someone else’s perspective does not make you weak; it makes you a better leader and partner.
3. Healing is necessary. We carry generational baggage that we did not ask for, but it is our responsibility to unpack it.

I want my students to look at history and see more than just conquerors. I want them to see the thinkers, the healers, and the men who were brave enough to be soft. We do not need more dominance in this world. We need more men who are willing to finally say how they feel.

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